Saturday, 29 June 2013

How To Annoy Friends On Social Media


Social Media was once hailed as a Mecca of free speech. It allowed young college-goers the chance to share their lives with a select group of friends. Cut to 2013, it has become a junkyard of spam shared with a few clicks on a phone or computer. Sometimes it seems the sole purpose of sharing online is to annoy others. After a long period of quiet suffering, I decided to put together a 'how to' list of things one can do to get on the nerves of their friends on social media.

Step 1: Like your own posts. Honestly this is a mild one. If you feel inhibited about inviting hatred into your life but still want to get a taste of it, you can start with this one. This is a minor irritant, guaranteed to get people to question the kind of person you are without actively disliking you. It's also easy to execute. Simply remember to click on the like button as soon as you have posted something- just so that you reiterate that you like what you have posted.

Step 2: Add people. It doesn't matter if you have never met them or hope to meet. Heck, it doesn't even matter if your offline head count of friends is a grand total of zero. Friending on this social media platform has no rules or logic. So go on adding your friends' distant cousins and people who happen to be as bored as you at the exact same moment. It's a numbers game and the meaningfulness of your being will be measured by the number of likes and comments you can coax out of these friends. So having more friends just increases the odds of your achieving these lofty goals.

Step 3: Overshare. Don't limit yourself to sharing. Oversharing is the mantra. There is no space for reticence. Every thought, feeling, emotion and even the lack of those must be recorded and shared with the world. Other people's interest in these life events is of little consequence. After all how will they live their lives without knowing what you had for breakfast.

Step 4: Tag the world. It doesn't matter if the post or picture you uploaded has any relation to the people tagged. Tagging people pushes them into a corner and forces them to respond either with a comment or in the very least a like. Unless they have decided to cut you out of their lives (in which case you have already succeeded in your mission), they cannot, out of sheer politeness, untag themselves. So, from your weekend plans to your five year old's pictures post and remember to tag everyone you want to annoy.

Step 5: Show Off. If you have something to show off about and earn loads and loads of envy, jealousy and general bad will among your friends please make it public knowledge. No one's life is perfect, but on social media your life must appear better than perfect. Exotic vacations, best of friends, job promotions and even a loving spouse. What's the point of having it all and not rubbing it in people's faces? Keep this up for a few months and even the mildest person on your friend list will hate you with all their heart for making them feel like losers.

Step 6: Nag for likes and comments. This will need you to transcend the barriers of the digital world and enter the realms of the real world. Grab people at random and keep nagging them to log on to the website and like and/or comment on your posts. Get inspired by the humble fly and keep buzzing around them until they relent.

Step 7: Post pictures without permission. Been to a crazy party and have lots of very embarrassing pictures of friends where they look like they belong in a mental institution or behind bars? Post them as soon as you get home. You can go a step further and caption them to emphasize their embarrassment and wait for the morning after. You can be sure of having made some enemies for life.

Step 8: Send invitations and requests for games and quizzes. There was a time, back in 2009, when people loved playing games and trying out quizzes on social media platforms. That was three years ago. Sending invitations to games and quizzes in 2013 bring in derisive looks. The derision increases as the games become more time consuming and irrelevant. Do this and you have completed your annoying deed of the day.